Les Miz Murder Mystery
by Enjia
Summary: Les Miz characters are forced to go to one of those mystery house things where someone is murdered and you have to find who did it. Things get out of hand and, of course, hilarity ensues.


Les Misérables Murder Mystery 

Me: Now, to prepare y'all for the next story-

Javert: Wait. 'Y'all'? Did you just say 'Y'all'? What, are you from the south? 

Me: Yep Javert. That's why my birth certificate says New York City. And that's why we're currently there now. Yes Javert, I _am_ southern 

Marius: So, that's sarcasm right? 

Cosette: Right! You're so- 

All: 'smart pookybear' 

Courfeyrac: Yeah, we know, we know 

Me: Anyway… 

Valjean: Ah, no fair, I lost count! 

Me: Then _make up_ a number 

Valjean: Okay… 12 

Me: 12? That is a little high… 

Valjean: You _told me_ to make it up!!! 

Me: Okay, okay, calm down, calm down 

Enjolras: So, did you have some sort of point? 

Me: Ah, yes, thank you. Well, since my plan for our next play is… _::looks hopefully at the others:: _ Anybody? _::blank stares:: _ Anybody? _::Still blank:: _ Come on…_ ::blankness:: _ You said it like three seconds ago! _::nothing:: _

Marius: Les Misérables? 

Me: We just did Les Miz!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! 

Marius: Sorry 

Me: You guys hate me soooo much, don't you? 

Javert: More than you could ever imagine you little monkey. 

Me: Well, fine, be that way, it's not like I _love_ you guys or anything… 

Jehan: Awwwwww _::he gives me a big hug:: _

Me: Thanks, now I feel better! 

Valjean: As you were saying? 

Me: Ah yes. Since we are doing _**Jekyll and Hyde **_ahem, ahem, I though we need a little er, um, vacation. Yeah, that's it, _vacation ::laughs evilly:: _

Javert: Okay, yeah, I'm sure, _ vacation_

Me: No look, it'll be fun 

Enjolras: Just tell us! Where are we going? 

Me: You guys ever hear of those special mansions- 

Grantaire: Oh, sounds good 

Me: Where you spend the weekend- 

Grantaire: Ooo, very good. 

Me: And someone gets murdered? 

Grantaire: Eh, what? 

Me: You know, one of those cool murder mystery thingies!!! 

Jehan: Weee, that does sound like fun! 

Me: You know Jehan? You are like that close to being my favorite Ami 

Jehan: Really? I'm touched! 

Marius: _::extending his hand:: _ Nice to meet you touched, my name is Marius _::giggles:: _

All: _ ::groan:: _

Courfeyrac: So, when do we leave on this smorgasbord of fun? 

Me: An hour. Go pack your bags but remember. One of you isn't coming back alive_ ::scary dark music, evil laughter, lights go dim, thunder, lightning, all that good stuff:: _

Javert: I hope it's you 

Me: Thanks Javert. Have I mentioned lately that you're fat? 

Gavroche: Oh, meow! 

_So, an hour later we all (invited on the weekend is as follows: Me Javert Valjean Enjolras Eponine Cosette Marius Courfeyrac Combeferre Gavroche Fantine and anyone who pops up later that I forgot to mention. Oh yeah, and Thenardier and Montparnasse (got to have some murderers, eh?)) get on the bus and are off. It's one of those nice buses with a bathroom and TV's and the such. _

Eponine: Hmm, I wonder who's going to get murdered? 

Me: Well, I just hope it's not Javert 

Javert: Really? That's halfway decent of you. 

Me: No, not really. Just too many suspects is all. 

Javert: Ah, I see 

Me: So, how are y'all _::glares at Javert:: _liking the ride? 

Jehan: It's fine, but isn't the driver going a bit fast? Who is the driver anyway? 

Me: Gavroche. 

Javert: You entrusted the gamin with all of our lives?! Are you insane?! 

Me: Maybe I am, maybe I'm not, dibbidy doobidy dee, look at me!!! 

Javert: So, you are then? 

Me: Doobidy!!! 

Javert: Yeah… 

Jehan: I don't want to be murdered 

Me: Don't worry Jehan, you're one of my favorite people, I won't let you get murdered. 

Jehan: Really? 

Me: Yup! I'm the writer so I can't be murdered. You can even stay in my room if you're afraid. 

Jehan: Thanks! 

Me: Javert, on the other hand, is going to be upstairs, by himself, in the haunted attic. 

Javert: joy. 

Enjolras: This is an announcement. I am tired and I am going to sleep. If any of you dare to do anything to me while I sleep the consequences will be grave. Very, very grave. I am talking about worse than death, worse than a hot poker, worse than having to do the Macarena. I am serious people. Do not test my limits. 

Cosette: Eep. 

_Enjolras settles into the last seat, in the corner, barricaded by luggage. **No one** makes an attempt to harass him. _

Me: Hey Jehan. How old are you? 

Jehan: Perpetually 20 

Me: Let's see, I just turned 17… That's not too much of a difference in age 

Jehan: Huh? 

Me: Nothing, nothing. _ ::Smiles sweetly:: _

Jehan: Okay… _::looks at me oddly:: _

Javert: _::makes gagging noises:: _Eww, don't you have a boyfriend or something already? 

Me: Not unless that's an offer Javert _::winks, much to Javert's chagrin:: _

Javert: No, no, definitely not 

Me: Well, then no. 

Valjean: _::chuckles:: _ Silly young girls. 

Me: _::glaring at him:: _ Senile old men 

Valjean: Hey! 

Me: Don't start with me! 

Valjean: Fine, fine, okay then! 

Me: Thank you! 

Gavroche: Are we there yet? 

Javert: You're the one driving gamin, shouldn't you know? 

Gavroche: Ha! Like I know how to drive 

Javert: Wha- 

Gavroche: Ha, got you! 

Javert: Why I oughtta- 

Me: No! No murders until we get to the mansion. 

Javert: Fine, fine. I can control myself until then. 

Me: Glad to hear it. 

Cosette: Oh, pookybear! I hope that we are not the ones who get murdered! 

Marius: I fear that we will be in danger. We must stay together. I feel that we are not well liked among this group. 

Gavroche: No duh. 

_Ten minutes later_

Me: We're here! Everybody out! 

Javert: And who exactly is going to wake up the firebrand? 

Me: Um…Any volunteers? _::everyone backs away slowly:: _

Gavroche: I'll do it! _::tiptoes up to Enjolras:: _ Hey Enjolras, **WAKE UP! **

All: _::GASP:: _

Enjolras: What the- 

Gavroche: We're here. 

Enjolras: Oh, all right then, thank you for waking me. 

All: _::sigh of relief:: _

Me: Okay, this is it. Are we ready? 

Grantaire: This is it? 

Me: You must be referring to the ominous lightning clouds and sinister music. 

Grantaire: Yeah, pretty much. The bats are a nice touch. 

Me: Hold me Bat Boy, Touch me Bat Boy, help me through the night! 

Javert: Yeah… 

Me: Okay, anyway- 

Valjean: 13!!! 

Me: Grrr. Can we just go in? 

Gavroche: Weee! Adventure time! 

Me: Oh, yeah, did I forget to mention that this is a theme mansion and we all have to get dressed up like renaissance people? 

Javert: (double take) What?! 

Me: _::giggles:: _ Hmm, guess I forgot to mention that! 

Gavroche: Yay! Velvet pants! 

Javert: joy. 

Cosette: Weee, frilliness! 

Me: Okay. You're costumes will be waiting for you in your rooms. Some of the rooms are singles, others are doubles, some connect to each other, most have secret passages. Your names will be on the door. You will be dressed for dinner in the dining room in one hour! _::Frolics up the stairs:: _

_One hour later: Everyone is assembled in costume, though Javert has put his great coat over his. Dinner is already laid out. _

Me: Javert, you haven't even touched your food! 

Javert: I'm not hungry. Besides, I'm sure my food was poisoned. 

Me: Paranoid much? 

Javert: Me? Everyone here wants me murdered! You do and she does and he does and- 

Me: Whoa, calm down. None of us want you dead. Okay, well maybe Montparnasse and Thenardier. _We_ just want you to chill out man! 

Javert: "Chill out?" 

Me: Grrr. Never mind. 

Gavroche: Where's the butler? 

Grantaire: What butler? 

Gavroche: Oh, I dunno, but the butler always does it. 

Javert: Really? I could have sworn that Furby was the one breaking all the laws. 

Valjean: Do you want me to buy you a loaf of bread? Is that it? How about if I bake it myself? Or maybe you'd like me to grow the wheat and grind the flour? What do you want from me man?! 

Javert: Calm down, it was just an observation. 

Valjean: No, I will not calm down! You have been after me for over 200 years and I am just sick and tired of it! You will _regret_ your insensitivity! 

Me: Ladies and Gentlemen, we now have a motive. Valjean against Javert for reasons of incessant harassing. Keep this in mind as our mystery progresses. 

Gavroche: Hey, what do we get if we figure out the mystery? 

Me: You get to live? 

Javert: Try again. 

Me: My undying love and devotion? 

Javert: Pfff. Try again. 

Me: A big chocolate bunny? 

Gavroche: I'm sold. Let's get this murder started! 

Marius: Motive number two! Gavroche is going to kill someone and then turn himself in to get the prize! 

Gavroche: Not likely. 

Me: Well, okay, we could add that to the list, improbable as it is. 

Cosette: Oh, Marius, you are soooooo smart! 

Me: Motive three; Me against Marius and Cosette for being annoying. 

Javert: Oh, I'll second that. 

Me: Hmm, you're right. It's pretty much everyone against Marius and Cosette. 

Jehan: Except for Valjean. 

Me: Right. Valjean wouldn't hurt Cosette or Marius. Only Javert. 

Javert: And you! 

Me: Well, motives against me don't count, firstly because I'm the writer and wouldn't have myself murdered and second because I know you all hate me so it doesn't really matter. 

Jehan: We don't all hate you. 

Me: Aww, Jehan! 

Javert: Yeah, just most of us. 

Me: _::gives death glare to Javert:: _That's nice. Just because I can't get murdered doesn't mean that _I_ won't murder someone. 

Javert: Oh, I'm shaking with fear. 

Me: _ ::more glaring:: _ But you don't hate me Jehan? 

Jehan: No, of course not! 

Me: _::Gives him a great big hug.:: _That's it. Jean Prouvaire is my new favorite Ami! 

Grantaire: Who'd it used to be? 

Me: Why, Enjolras of course. Most people find Enjy alluring, but we always forget that he doesn't hug back. 

Enjolras: Um, okay. 

Gavroche: He hugs Eponine back! 

Eponine: Be quiet Gavroche! 

Me: Hmm, good point. But it doesn't matter. Jehan is my favorite Ami! That means he is guaranteed not to die! 

Jehan: _::sigh of relief:: _ That is good news. 

Me: Of course, that also means that now Enjolras can die. 

Enjolras: Been there, done that. 

Eponine: Haven't we all? 

Javert: _::glaring at Marius and Cosette:: _ No, not_ all _of us. 

Marius: Grrr. This again? It wasn't me, it was SuperGramps! 

Gavroche: _::giggles:: _

Valjean: Why I oughtta- 

Me: Okay, okay, never mind. 

Javert: Wait, shouldn't we establish motives _after _someone dies? 

Me: Well, okay, fine then. Let the killing begin! 

Marius: What?! 

Me: We should all go to bed, and then in the morning, whoever wakes up dead is, well, murdered. And then we have a mystery on our hands. 

Combeferre: Someone doesn't _actually _die, right? 

Me: I guess we have to wait until tomorrow to see. 

Marius: Uh oh. 

Me: Yes Marius, "Uh oh" is right!!! _::evil laughter:: _ Okay, now all to bed! Jehan, you're with me. 

Jehan: What?! 

Valjean: Oh no, none of that under my watchful eye. 

Javert: Nor mine either. It's against the law. 

Me: Wow, you two agreeing, it's the apocalypse. And anyway, I just meant that Jehan was in the same room as me, that's all. Separate beds and everything, even a neat little curtain partition. You guys are soo old-fashioned. 

Gavroche: So old period. 

Valjean: Whatever. 

Javert: I'll still be watching. 

Me: That's nice. Sweet dreams. And remember, someone here is going to die!!! 

Marius: I hate it when she talks like that. 

Javert: I hate it when you talk at all. 

Cosette: _ ::glares at Javert:: _ It's okay Marius, let's go to our room 

Me: Sorry you guys, but you're not in the same room. That's too tempting for anyone 

Cosette: But- 

Me: Do you want both of you to die? 

Cosette: Well no, but- 

Me: Yeah, so then you room with Eponine. 

Cosette: Can't I room with my mother? Or even my father? How about that creepy guy? 

Grantaire: Me? 

Cosette: No, the other creepy guy 

Montparnasse: Me? 

Cosette: No, the other one 

Thenardier: Me? 

Cosette: Ah! No! I hate you! 

Thenardier: Me? Why? 

Cosette: Montfermeil ring a bell? Making me a slave in your stupid inn? 

Thenardier: That was like 200 years ago! You're still mad? 

Cosette: _::just glares:: _ I meant the other creepy one! _::points at Enjolras:: _

Enjolras: You're not serious. 

Me: Enjolras is not creepy! He's gorgeous! 

Enjolras: I thought Jehan was your favorite ami? 

Me: So? You're still gorgeous! 

Cosette: Well, anyway, I'd even rather room with him than with Eponine. 

Eponine: Ouch. 

Cosette: No offense, really. I just don't really like you. 

Eponine: Why I oughtta- 

Marius: Now, now girls, no need to fight over me. 

Eponine: Fight_ over_ you? How about I just plain _fight _you? 

Me: Oh, testy. Perhaps testy enough for murder? 

Javert: If only. Then we'd all be a lot happier. 

Me: Then why don't you do it? 

Javert: I'm a police officer, I don't go around murdering people. I mean, maybe Valjean would- 

Valjean: Shut up!!! 

Me: Come on people! Go to bed! And come down to breakfast if you're alive. 

All: _::nervous grumbling:: _

All go to bed, nervous glances all around. 

Then stuff happens 

Now it's the next morning. 

Me: So Jehan, did you sleep well? 

Jehan: Perfectly well, knowing I wouldn't be murdered as I slept. I had been a bit afraid that I was expendable. 

Me: You? Expendable? Never! 

Gavroche: _::bounding in:: _ Woo! I'm alive! What's for breakfast? 

Me: Whatever you want, there's lots of everything. 

Gavroche: Woo! 

Javert: Well, good morning I guess. Not dead. That's pretty good. 

Me: Wow. Even I'm a little surprised by your being alive. 

Javert: _::glares:: _

Cosette: Marius and I are here! And we're both quite alive! 

Me: What? 

Jehan: Uh oh. Then who's dead? 

Enjolras: Well, it's not me. 

Eponine: Not me either. 

Fantine: Nor me. 

Montparnasse and Thenardier: Not us either. 

Me: Uh oh. Who got killed off. Please, not Combeferre! Not Combeferre! 

Combeferre: _::coming in:: _ Nope, not me. Never thought you cared. 

Me: Well I do. Gosh, I hope it wasn't any of the revolutionaries. 

Amis: No, we're all here. 

Me: Then who's left? 

Cosette: Oh no! Where's my daddy?!?! 

Me: Valjean? I didn't mean to kill off Valjean. What the- 

Jehan: Okay, now I'm afraid again. 

Cosette: Daddy! No! 

Me: Come on. Who's going to go with me to see if there's a body. 

Enjolras: The Amis will. 

Montparnasse: Hey, I'll go too. 

Me: Everyone else stay here and eat. And remember, one of you might be the murderer. So keep your eyes open. 

Eponine: You mean there can be more than one murder? 

Me: Yup. Maybe even more than one murderer. 

Gavroche: Uh oh. 

Javert: I'm on the case, don't worry. 

Cosette: 'Don't worry'? How in the world are we supposed to stay calm when you're the murderer?! 

Javert: I am not the murderer! 

Me: People, people, calm down. Let's not jump to conclusions. Maybe Valjean just overslept. Don't do anything until we check. 

Cosette: My father doesn't oversleep. 

Thenardier: Well then he _must _be dead. I'll be your father. Come to your new daddy. 

Cosette: No. You're a mean mean man. 

Thenardier: Aw, that hurts, that really hurts. 

Me: Well, Enjolras will check to make sure that he didn't oversleep anyway. Go Enjolras. 

Enjolras: Well, okay then, I'm going. 

_Five minutes later_

Enjolras: There isn't anybody in Valjean's room. 

Me: No body? I mean, ahem, _nobody_? 

Enjolras: No, no_body_. 

Jehan: Okay then, who was Valjean's roommate? 

Me: That would be Javert 

Cosette: Ha! I knew it! He is the murderer! 

Javert: No, no. When I found out that Valjean was my roommate I switched roommates with Courfeyrac. 

Enjolras: So, who was Courfeyrac's roommate? 

Gavroche: That would be me. 

Cosette: So Gavroche killed my father? 

Gavroche: Hell no. 

Fantine: Gavroche! That is no way for a young gentleman to speak! 

Gavroche: But it's true! I didn't kill the old man. He started to give me a lecture on how bad stealing was, and I was alright with that, but when he started talking about the birds and the bees, I was out of there. 

Javert: So who did you switch roommates with? 

Gavroche: I switched with Enjolras. Actually, he was very happy not to have to room with Marius any longer. 

Cosette: Marius? You killed my father? I can't believe you! You are not the pookybear I know. 

Marius: No, it surely wasn't me. I changed places with Grantaire. 

Eponine: Well, who was Grantaire with? 

Me: Montparnasse. 

Cosette: Montparnasse! You killed my father! I should have known it was you, you evil cutthroat! 

Montparnasse: Hey, calm down, for once it wasn't me who did the deed. 

Javert: So who did _you_ switch with? 

Montparnasse: Jehan. 

Me: Jehan! 

Jehan: Hey, he was desperate. I'm a nice guy. 

Me: Just say it, you didn't want to room with me. _::sniffle, sniffle:: _ I see how it is. 

Jehan: No, really, it wasn't like that at all. 

Cosette: So Jehan killed papa? 

Me: Jehan, who'd you switch with? 

Jehan: Actually, I didn't switch with anyone. 

Me: What? 

Jehan: I was Valjean's roommate for the night. 

Gavroche: Uh oh. 

Cosette: So it was Jehan?! 

Marius: Jean, how could you? SuperGramps has done a lot for all of us. 

Jehan: I didn't do it! 

Me: I believe you Jehan. 

Javert: Of course _you_ would. 

Me: And what's that supposed to mean? 

Javert: You have a thing for the little murderer. 

Jehan: I am _not_ a murderer. 

Me: Of course, nobody said that you were. 

Jehan: They just said I killed Valjean! 

Me: Well, okay, they did say that…But, it's okay, because it's just circumstantial evidence and no jury on earth would convict. 

Javert: Have you been to early 19th century France lately? 

Me: Um, no. 

Javert: They would convict. Actually, they'd probably just commit you, dear fanfiction writer, to a mental hospital for all of your insanity. 

Me: My insanity?! How about _your_ insanity?! 

Javert: No, actually it's just _your _insanity. 

Me: Oh yeah, I forgot, _my _insanity… 

Javert: Yes, so anyway, Jehan is obviously the murderer. I'll put him into protective custody and then we can take him to jail. 

Jehan: No! 

Me: You can't take Jehan to jail! I won't allow it as writer of this fanfic! 

Javert: This is murder. It's much bigger than both of us. Mostly just bigger than you though. 

Me: Oh shut up. 

Javert: Make me. 

Me: Fine I will, what's another murder? 

Eponine: We still don't know that Valjean was murdered. 

Cosette: Yeah, he might have just got lost or something. 

Javert: Got lost? That is the most stupid, asinine, and unlikely drivel I have ever heard. 

Valjean: _::coming in:: _ Good morning everyone, sorry I'm late, I got lost. 

Javert: Oh give me a break… 

Me: But then, huh, nobody got murdered. 

Enjolras: Maybe it's not going to happen at night, maybe it'll happen in plain view. 

Marius: Thank you Mr. Optimistic. Why couldn't you just say that maybe it won't happen at all? 

Cosette: Marius, did you just use the word optimistic? That's an awfully big word for you to use. 

Javert: Yes, awfully. _::all eye Marius suspiciously:: _

Marius: Why are you all looking at me like that? I'm not behaving in a manner so different than normally I do. 

Me: That's it, he's an imposter. Marius never speaks so coherent/eloquently. 

Marius: You're right, you've found me out. I'm really a pod person taken over Marius's body. 

Gavroche: What the hell… 

Enjolras: Was that the mystery?! 

Me: Um, I guess so. This story was going nowhere anyway. On to ** Jekyll and Hyde**. 

Javert: woo. 


End file.
